American psychotherapist Marty Laniproi analyzed the advantages and disadvantages of people of different temperaments to find ways to resolve conflicts between them. She shared her experience in her book The Advantages of Introverts (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber Publishing House). Here are a few simple steps to better understand each other when there are contradictions:
Step one. "Let everyone say what, in his opinion, is the essence of the conflict."
Even if these are completely opposing points of view, this step gives an opportunity to express oneself, to hear another, and, perhaps, to realize that the opinion of the other is not directed against itself, but exists in itself.
Step two. Tell me about the reasons why you took your position.
If the husband goes fishing and meets friends, and you want him to stay at home, explain why this is for you. Maybe you will feel lonely without him or jealous and afraid to lose the love of your spouse. In turn, he can tell you what gives him communication in his circle, what he finds in his hobby and hobby and why it is important for him to be there. This step leads away from the conflict even further and gives it the form of an exchange of impressions, makes communication deeper and fuller.
Step three. "Clarify the impasse".
Try to figure out where and why there was a contradiction. If the need of the other person is not related to you personally (and as a rule, it happens), it will be easier for you to reach an agreement. For example, the frank admission that you miss your spouse instead of direct accusations that he does not respect your opinion will set him up for a different attitude towards you. You, in turn, reduce the exactingness when you learn about the real causes of his aspirations.
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Conflict Resolution[/caption]Step Four: "Put yourself in the shoes of another."
This step should be done as sincerely as possible, without leaving behind the soul of one's interests, without substituting openness with a formal agreement "Yes, I understand, but ...". Let him imagine how sad you are at home with embroidery and how you are tormented by fantasies about other people's ladies leading him away from you. This experience will help him to replace the image of a vicious bitch with a closer to reality - a loving woman, longing for the company of her beloved.
Step five. "Talk to each other and find a compromise."
The author shares his surprise with the readers - in practice, everyone who passes the first four steps to the fifth is ready to easily agree with each other. In the book Marty describes the conflict of the spouses, one of whom wanted to stay at home, and the other - to go out into the light. In the process of finding out the relationship, all together singled out one important thing that could not be seen in the heat of passion: "They were both reminded that they want to spend time together, and this reduced their anxiety."
At the beginning of a quarrel, it seems to you that the husband avoids you (but the very fact of disagreement on his part means that your opinion is important for him so that you understand him correctly). He has a feeling that he is controlled (although in fact his society needs him and appreciate it). In addition, when entering into conflict, people are more often than not afraid to be defeated in it, which makes the fight more and more furious, and all methods (insults, accusations, threats) are used. When a person receives a positive experience in resolving the difficulty in communication, unnecessary aggression becomes unnecessary, because it is clearly visible that everything can be solved peacefully.
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