5. You are silent, therefore, you ignore.
For those of us who are not too easy to communicate with others, silence seems to be the best option. If you are an introvert, you most want that other people simply shut up - and you are happy to offer them the same reciprocal service. Therefore, when confronted with a colleague in the mall, you prefer to slip past him, and not spend it and your time on a useless conversation. And, most likely, hear about yourself after: "Here's a goat!"
What is the problem?
This is the most frequent mistake in communication with which I come across. You did not react to the invitation to the party. You did not answer their funny message with a bunch of emoticons. You did not wish them a happy birthday. Now they are upset, and you are confused - well, who would have thought that silence is an insult?
Many think so. And for them this insult is one of the most terrible that can be imagined.
Imagine - you sent a resume for a new job. Which is better - to receive a letter with a refusal or not to get any response at all? Of course, rejection is bad, but the absence of an answer indicates neglect, which is a thousand times worse. Similarly, some people perceive your unwillingness to talk to them.
Remember the old saying: "Hatred is not the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite. "
So keep in mind ...
The whole thing is in power.
People you refuse to communicate with, think that this way you demonstrate your superiority over them. And if you used to find it strange that someone thinks that everyday everyday interaction is a struggle for power, I congratulate you, today you discovered something incredibly important about the world.
4. You showed your superiority.
Imagine this situation: at the weekend you took a pretty girl to a suburban restaurant, and when you drove it home, your car suddenly died down, you had to call the tow truck and pay for repairs, but the girl was with you all this time, even stayed with you for the night, and, it seems that everything is going well with you.
[caption id="attachment_932" align="aligncenter" width="300"]
force everyone to hate you[/caption]And on Monday you have a cooler telling this wonderful story to a colleague. But for unclear reasons, the guy after that starts to avoid you. And you sincerely wonder why.
What is the problem?
You demonstrated your superiority, although you did it on purpose. This is one of those things that we do all the time accidentally.
You told your story about a restaurant, a girl, a broken car and expensive repairs to a guy who has not met with anyone for two years, lives with a disabled mom on the outskirts, spends almost all the money for medicines and doctors for her and every day gets to work with two transfers by bus.
Your story he took as banal boasting and an attempt to show how happy and successful you are, unlike him.
So keep in mind ...
It always works: one of the interlocutors will be prettier, more successful, smarter, more attractive, they both will know about it, but none of them has the right to mention it.
For many of us, uncertainty about our own "rank" is an open wound, so for the success of communication, those who are "above" have to belittle their dignity. Did you notice that pretty actresses often say that they are horrible in all the photos?
The trap is that we often do not realize that in this particular situation we have superiority over others. We just may not know that a person somewhere has such an "open" wound.
But remember - the fact that you hit someone by accident does not change anything. Any of your interactions with a person that leads to a decrease in his self-esteem are against you.
3. They think you owe them.
Have you ever been with such that after the parting, your former partner pathetically exclaimed: "How can you throw me like this? And this is after all that I have done for you! "
Or you refuse to render service to a friend for a reason that seems quite respectful to you (for example, you can not help him with the move, because you are working on that day), and then you find out that your friend is mortally offended by you.
What is the problem?
There is a high probability that these people are angry with you, because you refused to pay a debt, the existence of which you did not even guess. This strange pattern works in most relationships: at some point, both partners begin to think that the other party has something to do with them.
This happens in many unlucky families. His wife thinks: "This guy was a lonely man, before I found him, who knows where he would be if I had not saved him! Probably long ago he would have died. " Meanwhile, her husband thinks differently: "I am the breadwinner, I gave her a good home, if not for me, she would contact with some scumbag who would beat her. Perhaps to death! ". Everyone considers himself in a relationship as a martyr who sacrifices everything for the sake of an ungrateful partner.
The same can happen in your work - everyone in your department thinks that it is thanks to his heroic work that the company is still floating, and the boss thinks that he is just feeding a whole crowd of idlers. Employees are shocked and insulted when the firm heartlessly announces layoffs, and management is shocked and offended when either of you leaves without an explanation of the reasons.
So keep in mind ...
The main thing is that in each individual case another person desperately wants you to be indebted to him. Because it again gives him power over you (who has more power - from the bank or from the borrower?)
But he can not explain why he sees you as a debtor - he is just angry when you refuse to "pay". Here is another obvious reason why someone is angry with you "without any reason."
2. You spend their time.
You just sent the boss an e-mail with a simple question or a couple of your thoughts, but she somehow was terribly enraged. Here's an unbalanced bitch!
Then, in the evening, you decided to spontaneously drop into your old friend's house and chat, but this bastard was not at all pleased with you and even tried to get you out of the way as quickly as possible. Well, so, for what?
Or, for example, you post on the wall in the social network of your acquaintance a touching congratulation on his birthday, and he does not even bother to answer. Is this normal at all?
What is the problem?
In general, you probably already guessed what the whole thing is. The boss was too busy, since he simply had a job at work. Your friend had to make dinner and bring home some work - he had no time to listen to your stories about how you watched the Big Bang Theory yesterday and had a beer before midnight. And the last guy received about a hundred more such heartwarming congratulations and he did not have the hands to answer everyone personally.
It's not that they wanted to assert their superiority over you with their anger: "I'm so important and busy, and you're just the last slave in the queue to see me." On the contrary, they feel helpless, as you become one of the people who are trying to steal their already limited time. That's why they are angry with you. Of course, you can object: "Employment is not an excuse to behave like the last asshole." Similarly, a millionaire could tell a homeless person who lost the last pair of shoes, that this is not an excuse to get upset.
I will tell about myself. My last article collected 6 million views, and almost every one of these people left a comment or sent me a personal letter, a message on facebook, twitter and even on the phone so I helped with their problems. I could not do this physically and I had to disappoint many people who hoped for my help.
Now raise your hands to those who really feel sorry for me. So I thought, practically nobody. Now you are annoyed at me, because you think that I am bragging - just like in the fourth paragraph ("oh, I'm so famous, just star all star!"). In this and all the salt: there is no good way to explain to another person that you do not have time for it. This always means having more important things than he.
So keep in mind ...
A person who is currently so laconic with you or ignores your calls is in a desperate situation. What you perceive as arrogance and a demonstration of superiority on his part, he sees as a personal impotence.
Remember that you are only one of the links in the chain of other people's interactions. Therefore, keep in mind that you will always have to pay for your "predecessor," even if it seems to you that you should not do this.
1. You think that everyone is happy with everything.
This is, perhaps, the case that can sneak up on each of us. The problem can arise between roommates, friends, spouses and even entire peoples.
In the office, for example, there are some new meaningless demands - for example, "From today no one can adjust the thermostat without asking the permission of the boss."
And your girlfriend suddenly decides that Friday will no longer be "evening pizza", although up to this year and a half she liked everything.
You have an idea - everything went fine, the system worked as intended, and suddenly they put forward these ridiculous demands. And then you say something like:
"Why are they rocking the boat now, when everything went so well?"
"Why do they complain, because we always did!"
"I have no problems, it's you who shout!"
What is the problem?
Let's look at a simple example. In many young families there is a so-called conflict because of the toilet seat. The reason for this is that a man completely ignores the needs of women. He does not want to make her life worse, he does not hate her or anything in this spirit. The seat is where it is supposed to be, everything is in order. He simply refuses to acknowledge this as a problem.
You find yourself embroiled in a conflict, not even suspecting that this is a conflict. You will not pay attention to it until it's too late. The governments of entire countries have fallen in this way.
Again a little about myself. Being a Christian, I have long thought that Christianity is supposed to be by default. The whole world was divided into Christians and eccentrics. I was shocked when I found out in college that some people were offended if they called their recovery after the operation a "miracle." "No, this is the result of a three-month painful rehabilitation, the intensified work of very expensive doctors and the help of loving parents who have settled into three jobs to pay everything," they answered. "Well, yes, yes, burn in hell, hippies are atheists," I grinned to myself.
But this is what happens in all spheres of life. When a painful social question arises, there is always a group of people like me, those who are surprised that another group is unhappy with the "normal" state of things. "We do not want to offend anyone, we just want everything to remain as it is," - the usual justification of such people.
So keep in mind ...
It is easier to turn out to be a wrong party in such a conflict than you think. You like to sit at home on weekends, and your girlfriend prefers active rest. After a year of unsuccessful attempts to drive you off the couch, she surrenders, and you think that the relationship has finally started to develop well. At this time, she thinks about how to break with you most painlessly. "But why, it was still great!"
Yes, it was, but only for you. You did not feel your superiority, because this is a normal property of power - its carrier feels it as the norm. Unlike other participants in social interaction.
Of all the traps on the list, this is the worst, because you can make others hate yourself without even knowing it. To avoid it, you need to be watchful all the time. It's difficult, but the number of people screaming at you will decrease significantly.
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