Can a friend replace a psychologist?

The young woman is very excited: "Yesterday, he again caused a terrible scandal, I can not do this anymore ... What can I do?" The interlocutor stands a pause, and then confidently says: "So it will be until you finally analyze your relationship!" Many of us tend to behave as if we know better than others what our friends need and why they do it in one way or another. It seems that it's not at all difficult - to listen and say something in response, we have seen how psychotherapists do it in films and TV shows. Confidence gives and the feeling that we are saving loved ones from depression, irreparable error or just stupidity. But in fact, we only play a psychologist, which means we are deceiving: after all, without a special education, it is impossible to become a psychotherapist or psychoanalyst.

View from the outside

"Friendly help, that is, sympathy and participation, reduces our suffering, pain and anxiety," says the therapist Alexander Orlov. "But after a while a new problem arises, and we again ask for help from friends. In psychotherapy, everything is different. " "We strive for the client to have a sense of process, movement, gradual change," explains the therapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. "And we are building a complex system of interaction, so that those who came to us for help, sooner or later could abandon it." The task of psychotherapists is to help us take a different look at our own lives. And the meaning of friendly participation is to console, sympathize and support at the moment. Realizing at the same time the limits of their capabilities, so that (not) interference does not inflict additional injury on the friend.

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Learn empathy

We comfort our friends during difficult periods of their lives. And we hope that they will also be attentive to us: they will let us speak without interrupting, they will listen, they will understand. "Friendship is impossible without emotional involvement in each other," continues Alexander Orlov. - A psychotherapist needs a distance in the relationship with the client for successful work. It allows for an open dialogue, through which a person feels that they accept him as he is, and you can talk about everything without fear of condemnation or disapproval. " The work of psychologists requires great effort and skill, and it is paid for. Friendship is disinterested.

Psychotherapists learn to feel another person, master the technique of empathic hearing *. "Of course, those who chose this profession from empathy to people, and not from the desire to manipulate and manage them, it is easier to learn the ability to communicate without condemning, not evaluating others, not making them diagnoses, - explains Alexander Orlov. "But it's also unusual for them to listen to another (even if it talks about something quite insignificant) with the attention and diligence they are capable of. Therefore, the first experiments of psychological counseling are under the supervision of a supervisor, an experienced psychotherapist. "

What can we do if we are an involuntary witness of how the girlfriend is more and more depressed? "Being a true friend in this case means insisting that she turn to professionals for help," Alexander Orlov is convinced.

Dangerous dependence

Two twenty-year-old girls are sitting in a cafe. One of them, with difficulty holding back tears, talks about an unsuccessful novel. Why does she always have bad luck - maybe something is wrong with her? "In fact, you would like to be alone, it suits you, and you do everything yourself to be abandoned. You're too infantile to take responsibility for your relationship, "the girl's impassive tone answers her. Such judgments can be called "naive psychoanalysis" (or unprofessional counseling): they have many personal, peremptory assessments and advice that satisfy the desire for excellence of those who pronounce them.

"The position of a particularly trusted person, to whom people turn to solve their personal or family problems, increases self-esteem," explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. - And a person quickly gets used to being "the one who knows best" and starts (often unconsciously) to play the savior. Thus, he self-affirms and forgets his personal problems. " So, next to the 52-year-old Olga, there are always many girlfriends who need support. She tells them little about what bothers and worries her, but can endlessly discuss the details of the life stories of her "wards". "Such people cultivate someone else's vulnerability to not think about their own," comments Ekaterina Mikhailova. - Olga is afraid to lose control over what is happening in her life and in some ways depends on her friends: while there is someone who is unwell.

Native listeners

And yet there are among us those who are particularly disposed to frankness. Naturally, without any benefit to yourself. They do not have the slightest desire to be therapists for their friends. About such people say - "yes he is a born psychologist!". "These are those who know how to listen, which is especially valuable, because there are many more people around us who are actively interfering in our lives," says Alexander Orlov. - This is the same "friendly vest", in which you can comfortably and safely cry. " By accurately choosing words or simply listening attentively, they help us to better understand ourselves. We seem to see in them the images of an approving father or a comforting mother. And such people do often become good psychotherapists if they decide to get a special education.

Is it possible to distinguish a born psychologist from someone who, even unconsciously, builds around him a circle of "dependent"? "The first often without jealousy refer to professionals," said Ekaterina Mikhailova. - A person who claims a special role in his environment, perceives professional help painfully. Any attempt by friends to solve their problems without it causes a desire to immediately return the "apostate" under his wing. The existence of other opportunities seems a threat to his special situation. Try to say that you coped with the problem yourself or that you are going to go for psychological training. A born psychologist will be happy about this, and the "guru" will do everything possible to depreciate what is being done without his knowledge and participation. "

Different relationships

"A true friend is one with whom I feel better. This is the one with whom I can laugh at myself and with whom I can be silent, "- says 32-year-old Sergei. "When I'm too addicted, my best friend brings me back to earth," Nadezhda, 29, admits. "It helps me not to get lost in novels, because I'm so inclined to give out wishful thinking." She says: "Let's see what you really have, open your eyes at last" - and the ability to think clearly comes back to me. "

Psychologists themselves never engage in psychotherapy with friends. "We are obliged to avoid double relations, that is, where relations of kinship, power, friendship or love are added to psychotherapeutic," explains Alexander Orlov. - They interfere with building therapeutic relations, free from assessments. Psychotherapy in this case can not be effective. " Therefore, even for a therapist, one must remain only a friend. The best thing he can do for him is to comfort, support and, if necessary, give the phone to his professional colleague. However paradoxical this conclusion may seem, but the better our friends stay away from playing the psychologist, the stronger becomes the unifying understanding and mutual acceptance. And the more healing is our friendship!

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